Friday, July 1, 2011

Complaining about action figures

Hey this has nothing to do with art. I just wanted to go on a random rant about this Ryan Reynolds Green Lantern action figure I won from a contest(not trying to rub it in anyone's face, it's just one of the major sticking points for me keeping it). I finally decided to keep it and play around with it. 

I hope you like this pose, because this is what it was built for. Commentary, ridiculous photos, spoilers and ranting after the jump!

For a figure with 18 points of articulation, it's stiffer than Blake Lively's Performance(zing!).  The shoulders, elbows, knees, and ankles are strangely molded over so they can only bend at most 45 degrees.  It's really annoying. I like my action figures mobile, and this is anything but.
"Can' scratch...armpit...Gah!"

The hinge joints attaching his legs to his pelvis are just as awkward and unnecessary as I'd thought they'd be. I've seen this before in other DC figures (never bought any of them) and I honestly don't know why they switched out the classic ball joint.  It takes away movability and makes his ass look weird whenever he moves his legs. Look at those bulges!

Although it does provide for some incredibly splits.
Riding the invisible bull.

If ever you needed a figure to ride a horse or something, this is it. it does provide for one added pleasure:
"Gah! Get me some cream and a large small comb!"

Speaking of that yellow tentacle thing, I kinda like it. Yeah it's completely useless, but it's long, rubbery, got teeth, and has a useless balljoint at the end(There's a dick joke in there somewhere). I kind of dig it.

Instead of having hands that open up, he has this one hand with his ring on making a fist, and one that looks like he's making a perpetual claw.  It supposed to be so that he can hold the miniature lantern that he comes with, but because the hand is too open and apparently not molded right, he can never hold it.

So movement wise, there's not alot going for this action figure. Basically, he can stand around and look like he's holding his nuts all day.

"I think that chick totally gave me the Parallax."

His head doesn't even turn that well. Not that I'd really want to see that smug expression of forced sternness from different angles. What with the lack of mobility, the horrible fruit-roll ups looking suit, it's useless monster piece, and the perfect sculpt of Ryan Reynolds stiff acting performance, all it does is remind me of how bad the movie was. Really the only reasons I'm keeping it are to remind me that I won it because of my awesome internet humor and to have a punching bag for my other, better GL action figures.
"Ever get the feeling something's about to come back to haunt you?"

I think I'll take the rest of this time to rant about the GL movie.  It was just so bad on so many levels. I can understand why they would change Hal Jordan's character(to copy a better movie of course) but they just bungled it up so wrong. They turned him into a douche, when Hal should have been played more like Evans is portraying Captain America. If they wanted him snarky(and boy can Reynolds do snark) they should have made him Kyle Reiner.
"You want daddy issues?! I'll give you daddy issues!"

And they spend all this money on a cgi suit and it looks worse than latex! Spend the money on more action sequences and some more inventive light constructs! Obviously this movie was made just to sell toys, but this movie is just like their hotwheels ad. Seriously, go watch it. That is an actual TV ad, but you wouldn't know it because THEY DON'T SHOW ANY PRODUCTS. They just re-show the ridiculous racetrack helicopter scene.
"Here's a light construct! My green foot up your ass!"

And then there's that whole rivalry they were trying to set up with Hal and Hector, except they never properly set it up, and Hector is the more likable character. What's Hector doing at the beginning of the movie? Being a humble community college teacher(working in the "science building", which I presume is right next to the "math building" and "english building"). What's Hal doing? Sleeping around with women, wrecking planes, screwing up his job, getting people fired, and beating up said people.

"Take me to the fair, papa!"
"Get off me you incredible ass!"

And I don't even understand what's going on with the guardians. Parallax, the main bad guy, was created by one of the guardians going rogue and messing with yellow energy. What is their grand plan to stop him? Mess with yellow energy some more and make a ring out of it! Then Hal, strangely making sense, says, "No let's fight it with green courage!" and the Guardians instantly shoot him down citing they have to weigh it against their years of knowledge. Their years of knowledge tell them to forget their powers and do the exact same thing that got them into this mess?

"Here! I'm using yellow energy! The Guardians were right!" *THONK*

And how was Hector able to use the ring at the end? Better yet, how was Hal able to use the ring? He was told you had to speak the oath and put the ring tot he lantern, but when Hal touches the ring to the lantern anyways, he instantly knows the oath. What's the point of having an oath in the first place?

"You want your lantern?! Here's your lantern!!"

I think the thing that pissed me off most(ok that's hard to say really) was the overall message. Everything is just given to Hal, and he squanders it, showing no reason whatsoever that he deserves it. The overall message of this is: Hal is a hero solely because he was chosen to be a hero, and nothing else.  There's no real defining reason he's chosen, the movie just makes it so because that's the way the GL mythos goes. Reynolds even asks Hector at the end, "why can't you be like me?" and then for some godawful reason just offers him the ring.  For context, Hector has become full on murderous bad guy, and he's holding Hal's girlfriend hostage. So Reynolds just gives him the ring of course.

"Let's see how far you can stretch! I'm gonna make you more of a female pice of plastic Blake Lively ever was!"

Hector tries using the ring to blast away Reynolds, but then Reynolds goes, "psyche! You gotta be chosen, bitch!" and the blast backfires on him. This is more than nonsensical, this is saying Hector could never be a lantern because he wasn't chosen. he would always be the bad guy. Hal is special and everything's going to come to him no matter how big a douche he is, and Hector isn't and life's just gonna shit all over him no matter what he does. And there's no changing that.  Even the mid credits reveal of Sinestro turning evil, not for any reason but just because he has to, brings home the message.

"Getting...dark...there's a yellow the end of the tunnel...GAK!"

Its a really horrible and depressing message, and pretty anti-nerd pro-jock. Perfect for mainstream movies I suppose.  Wow, I really let myself go on this one. I promise next post will be back to the art. This won't happen again for awhile, at least until the next horrible movie with toys comes out. OH WAIT.

"And then...and then he just flies into the sun for no reason *sob* The whole damn thing makes no sense!"

"Shhh shhh, it's over's over..."

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